Paradox In My Life!

As much as I really like to find my things in my place, I somehow never achieve the same. As much as I would like to have a really nice, organized clean cupboard which I can just open and find the shirt that I am in mood to wear easily, I just don’t seem to take enough effort to get there and clean it.

And yes, talking about my cupboard – the ever messy stacked place where all my clothes are dumped in a manner that when I open it, something has to fall on my head as if it were just waiting to play bulls eye on me. The best if ever anything has to fall, it will fall right in the center of my head, spoiling my nicely combed hair as well.

But guess what, I am not the one complaining at all about this, I still seem to get by my regular days living from it & finding stuff that I am in the mood to wear and get on with it. The real issue is the other people in my life – the ever so very important people in my life who have some serious cynicism with my cupboard.

Everyday, in the morning when I am opening my cupboard,  admiring the messiness, its serenest glamour; my grand mom would come right along behind me, startling me to an extent of me even letting out a scream to remind me of how much she disapproves the minutest sight of it.

Now, its become such a big deal that not only my grand mom and aunts who have a really big issue with my messy cupboard, but it has now also been extended to my best friends who hate the sight of it as well; so much so that everyone when together {my grand mom, my aunts and my friends} have something really intellectual to discuss about.

Bless my soul, but the variance in their discussion would be on to how many clothes I have and how I only wouldn’t know the inventory of my own clothes and how I don’t clean my cupboard and how well I stack all my clothes nearly dumping everything inside to even taking too much efforts to be able to shut it. It sounds to me more like as if they are not able to get along with some guy in my life and they just want him to go and get a shower.

Knowing them, they would even buy him a bath of soap and conditioner and at the last resort even corner him in the bathroom and give him a shower as well. PHEW!

You are Right But…

How many times, we know what is right for us, but never take that road immediately. We will still continue to do what’s wrong. Maybe it’s easier that way, and maybe we just don’t want to accept what’s best for us.

It easier to be sinful than not be sinful. It’s easier to bring in confusions and messy situations in our life than taking steps to remove them out and making life simpler to live.

Some people like to be in the sad stages of their life when they know that the better thing is to try and be happy. Quite understandably, they have come to this sad stage in their life and lost their courage or the will to be happy. But still the argument remains, isn’t trying to be happy a better thing than sadness. Simple isn’t it – but not easier said than done.

Now I am not contradicting here – We know we are right but still are very happy living in the remorse stages that life pushes us into. Until and unless, you kind of get tired of being in the same low down stage, feeling the same loneliness and finally get the final push to do something useful with yourself.

So, I know I am right and I have the right to be happy and I exactly know what I need to be doing to get there BUT…

A Tribute!

Today is the 15^th anniversary of the 13 serial bomb blasts that rocked Bombay. Let me rephrase that and say that it rocked my very own house and I was a victim. Oh! let me rephrase that again and say, that I was “NOT” the Victim, I was a survivor and more than me – It was my seventy year old {at that time} grand mom who got a probably got another lease in her life even after those 90 stitches that still scar her.

Yes, we were lucky and can’t really go down to express how lucky we were. And more than saying “WE” were lucky, let me again rephrase and say that I was lucky I didn’t lose her in that explosion. **TOUCHWOOD** and **AMEN** that I have got another chance to show my gratitude to her for bringing me up from the time when I was just 11 months old. I am thanking the Almighty so profusely today for giving me and my family this second chance where we went on to celebrate her 90^th birthday and we are still going strong to ensure that we celebrate her 100^th, AMEN to that as well. What a remarkable lady who has lived through so many hardships in her life. I aim to be her or at least half of what she is to me to the people whom I care for in my life.

So yes, we were lucky enough to survive, the 900 kilograms of RDX laden van which was parked right below my house, considering that our house faces the main road and is also on the first floor so much so that we can have conversations with people from down below on the road from our balcony. The minute I mention the word RDX, the picture that flashes in front of my eyes is the wall of my hall wherein that black chemical just got splashed out like some new fresh paint after the explosion.

I was 10 year old school going girl then, who now today suddenly looks back and feels “I have really come a long way”. No, this incident doesn’t trouble me at all when a lot of people ask me what I feel now. I don’t mind talking about it, but I also don’t like to be reminded about it since it was my past and prefer never going to anything or anyone that belongs from my past.

I haven’t forgotten any single frame and second of that entire doomsday. From people running all over the messy streets, to the local bus which was up in flames right below my house, to the black smoke in my room when I regained my consciousness, to the sights in the hospital where blood on the floor was running like a stream of water, to the truck which came to the hospital laden with dead bodies like a pile of books, to the big two inch glass piece that was pulled off my right hand by the doc – the scar still exists, but worse back to my grand mom who was full with blood from head to toe. Again I Thank You Lord, for not making that wall fall over this side of my house over her, which very unfortunately fell on the neighbor’s side and he didn’t survive.

I don’t want to take away the credit from this experience as it changed my life completely. Or can I say that it changed me completely for the better. It just makes me believe that the Lord only gives a person a burden they are strong enough to handle; that the burdens must fall somewhere in this world and when they fall on you it is not just a test but a symbol that life knows you have the strength to endure them.

So there I know I have moved on very easily as I had some brilliant people who got me through this time and I now pay a tribute to them for enduring my life with so much strength and faith. My aunts, who I remember, used to run around every day to the blast site every morning to move and organize things to shift to my cousin’s place. They used to come back late in the night to the hospital where me and my grand mom were admitted after the explosion. They used to sleep by just keeping their head down on my hospital bed while sitting as they didn’t want to leave my grand mom who was then very critical.

My cousin Sarita, who I remember used to keep her hand on my forehead and sleep next to me ensuring that I avoid nightmares once I was discharged after a month. My teachers in school who ensured that I am updated with the current syllabus that was being taught and of course my friends who so endearingly ensured that all my notes were updated even though when it meant writing the same notes twice i.e. once for themselves and the other for me.

I very strongly pay this heartfelt tribute to those who aren’t able to move on even today, as they may have lost someone whom they so loved dearly. They are those people who hate to even be reminded of this anniversary day. It took the judicial system 14 years to solve a case like this, but at the end of it – people have died; some sole bread winners, some sole children of their parents – how does it matter now after 14 years what the judiciary comes up with. People gone, can never be brought back.

     

These pictures above are of my building and very seemingly of my first floor home {2^nd pic from left} will speak a thousand words more to express the reality of that day and the thoughts that cross my mind every year this day.

Some Related Articles:

http://www.telegraphindia.com/1060913/asp/nation/story_6739052.asp

http://english.peopledaily.com.cn/200608/11/eng20060811_292094.html

http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070719/asp/nation/story_8078748.asp

The Known Lie…

What is a Blatant Lie? Excuse me for starting my post with a question like that. But would love to know individual thoughts on what would you think is a Blatant lie and how would you classify it?

A Blatant lie would be something that pierces you like an arrow. A lie which is said to you by your very own loved one. Best part, you are no fool to know that the person is lying to you. If you were a fool, then you wouldn’t be writing this post. So, if you know that someone is lying to you and playing Checkmate with you – some of the thoughts that cross your mind.

Does he/she think, I am an idiot that I don’t know what’s going on? And in this case, I am a bigger idiot who is letting it continue and being let taken for granted. Time and over again, I have chose to ignore it for the sake of this relationship. I will still continue to ignore till I can as I see my priority as this relationship. But the honest thoughts are I also know that the lies are not innocent.

They are well aware about what they are doing, as they are old enough to see the same as they are very conscious of what they are saying and doing. They are getting those cheap and sadist pleasures by hurting and playing checkmate with you.
And what I see as important they really don’t seem to care – either about you or this relationship and the fact – after all this when they proclaim with so much conviction that they really care for you – Its even a Bigger Lie, something that I so DETEST.

If they really cared, they would have never done something like this. They would done what’s right and been truthful throughout with you.

It’s as if you seem to them as some kind of a backup plan. When things are wrong in their life, they come wanting and needing your shoulder and once things are back and fixed in their life – you become one of those options.

Guess, every one right from our childhood told us that lying is a bad habit and next to being a sin. Our parents told us, if you lie and deceive people {personal or professional} you will definitely be knocking on the doors of hell. We don’t like to be lied to but do we think if we lie to someone how that person must feel if he/she finds out. Especially, what would that person think about your false relationship and fake words every time you uttered it and they know it right then and there. And, if all this was really worth it? Do they really achieve or get anything by hurting someone else.

How do such people even stand and talk eye to eye after being so deceiving with that same person. They must be having some self conscience. How do these people think that they even will go far in their relationships if they think playing checkmate with them and the others around; will bring out the best in their relationships? Let’s cut the chase folks, they really don’t care about you or your relationship with them. Their point is what they get out of you and once they are done, once done being taken for granted, you are nothing but a puff of smoke.

Very strong views – such people never really deserve anyone in their life. They are better of alone as they are serial killers of all relationships. They kill your trust, your relationship and more importantly you. Any relationship without honesty and trust equates to a body without a soul.

Let’s be frank, in today’s time people know and can see what you are doing. If you really don’t care that they know what you are doing and still continue to play checkmate with them – then don’t forget what goes around also comes around. The bubble will come down and burst right on top of you. In turn, this time you will be the one left with the vapour and vacuum.

Certainly Your Soul…

Ever experienced relationships {read in the category friendships, acquaintances & love} which you sometimes come to realize that isn’t working anymore and you want to kinda walk away from it. Then, you think, brood over it to come to a conclusion that the odds are not in your favor and its best that you walk away from it or even mutually just call it off.

“Disclaimer : I know a lot of people; read my friends are gonna read the above sentences and try and connect it to something in my personal life – but hold your horses guys, read the entire blog and then derive at a conclusion as it isn’t what you may think it is. I ain’t talking about walking away from any of my relationships – so breathe easy. I have something else on my mind for which I had to make the two statements above.”

So continuing from above, say you arrive at this conclusion that since it is not working for both of you, or its not what you want so you decide to part ways in a mutual way or take that call individually.

Then you work on detaching yourself completely. You start missing that individual, you have the thoughts of the wonderful times you guys have had. You start remembering the late night conversations, ice – cream eating sessions, those shopping escapades, the everyday routine of hurling at least five random abuses, times spent on vacation trips, 8 – 10 phone calls and smses everyday. Basically you are trying to get adjusted to new routine where that person doesn’t exist anymore.

Tough, but now that you have taken a call you also think, that probably you need to give it sometime and you will be fine. You keep pacifying yourself that time heals and it will heal you as well. However, time flies by but you start realizing that you couldn’t feel worse than what you already do with each passing day. It just seems getting worse with every day, week & month.

It’s getting so bad, that you see the person online but still won’t make the move to say hello, you will browse that person’s profile on any of the social networking sites; trying to look for some kinda of relief or something that will heal you just by trying to seeing the photos of that individual. But turning around you realize that these actions didn’t really help, they make you feel even more horrible. In your process to heal yourself, you are making yourself feel even more miserable.

Days, months even years start to pass by and you ain’t getting any better than what you felt on the first day. Ever thought why are you still feeling the way you are if we had to go by the factor of “Time Heals”? Why isn’t time healing you even when you are trying your best and putting your best foot forward?

Here comes an answer and Maybe this is the one: Ever believed that there exist Soulful connected relationships of nature. These are the relationships of the soul. You are connected from the soul – not physically or intellectually. You have got connected to this individual through the laws of nature. You can’t break laws of nature which is meant to be. If you even try, you are basically trying to harm and inflict yourself with wounds. Try bringing in snow when it’s meant to rain – you will fail. Try bringing in daylight when it’s meant to be night – you will fail.

In such relationships the sooner you realize where you are at and what you feel, stand up, take a call and fix it. All it just must need is some sort of clear lines of communication to fix loose ends rather than going through the entire process mentioned above.

Exception to the Rule are those relationships that over a period of time become destructive and its best for them to have a seemingly near death in which you should truly see yourself heal and overcome with time. In fact you will feel happier, free and content and not this worse. These ones definitely don’t fall under the category of being connected relationships.

If people could only realize sooner than later, that sometimes you may get soulfully connected to someone as its only natural and meant to be that way, they could probably save themselves from a lot of pain and misery and finding themselves back to square one; right from where they took that first miserable step.

Déjà Vu!

Last weekend I went to see Michael Clayton, the Oscar nominated George Clooney starred movie and I just loved it. There were so many scenes or dialogues in the movie that actually got me thinking. The reason – there were a lot of similar conversations that I must have had with people or something that someone would have spoken to me about.Spooky isn’t it? If this would have to happen to me in a village, I can expect any of those orthodox – believers in black magic people to tell me that it’s a sign to be noticed and take note of. Maybe God is trying to tell me things. 🙂 To be honest, he does in a lot of ways.

Does it happen to a lot of people or does it only happen to me. Loads of similar conversations, whether in movies or with other people – gets repeated in a sense that you feel that you are having some sort of Déjà Vu of sorts. It so happens, it just leads you to connect to things – theory of relativity and how you go back relating those similarities to things, people or conversations.Ultimately whenever this happens to me, there is always an end conclusion that I arrive at. It leads me to finally question myself “So what was the moral of the story”?
To be Honest, till now by and far, there is always something that I have either learned or derived at – Whether it’s being on the track of similarities; Déjà Vu situations or real life experiences.

As I was penning down this Blog two nearly killing Déjà Vu or call it mere co-incidental Situations happened again:
1) ShaantiBai {we now all know who she is – don’t we? – the author of the previous blog below to this} pings in about her current favorite song and there it starts playing on the radio. Now what do I call it, co – incidence? It definitely is not giving me any signs or messages. It just makes me realize how many times in a Day; ShaantiBai disturbs me by pinging. 😆

2) Another friend of mine – Smita Pillai, who apparently seems a lot like a stark mirror image of me {which would be couple of years back} tells me about the blogs that she used to write at http://ascratchonthesurface.blogspot.com once upon a time. I didn’t even know her at that time.
On reading her blogs, I found even starker similarities in some of the articles that she wrote in 2007 and to what I wrote more recently.

Similarities were in her article “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” posted on 25 June, 2007 V/s to “RE – CLAIM Your Life Back – It’s YOUR Life!” Posted on February 27, 2008.

What would you call this? Writing an article on Déjà vu and having exactly the same things happening to you at that point in time. Maybe I do have live souls hovering around me and hopefully they will keep doing something positive.